I sat there, sobbing.  I couldn’t stop the tears.  They came, at last, warm and salty as I cried out loud, my chest heaving as the deep waves of sorrow passed through me. My heart was broken.  The pain was overwhelming. The headache that had been with me for the past few weeks was thudding louder and more powerful than before. It was as if I had been shot in the head, just above my temple. 

The room was large and cool, yet I was clammy, hot, red-faced and with swollen eyes.  If it were not for my children, I could just lay here and die. I have never felt so alone.  That is why the tears have come now. I am alone. The only place I could cry before was in the shower.  I did not want the girls to see me like this, to see that their mother was not in control, to think that they would have to look after me when they too were suffering and trying not to show it.

There was no one to hear me, no one to hug me, just the blessed release of tears, as my body continued to shudder uncontrollably.  I looked at the crumpled remains of tissue, sodden and useless now in stemming the flow, and I looked through a blurred vision for a dry piece on which to wipe my nose.  I couldn’t move from here, just let it flow. How could there be so many tears?

I must have nodded off, as a small child would do, cried myself to sleep, as sometime later, I awoke feeling cold and soaked.  The pillow wet from crying and the place where my heart lay, sodden from the leak of milk from my engorged and aching breasts. Where was my baby?  This was supposed to be such a happy day, one for celebration. How did it end like this?

As I lay there in self-pity, and about to begin the sobbing again, I heard the downstairs door.  I wasn’t expecting anyone, and it was late, dark outside. What time was it? I didn’t know. It was the first time in a long time that I had slept, and now I had awoken, I had no idea what the time was.

The thoughts ran through my head. If I am being burgled, they can take what they like, I have nothing left to give anymore.  If they have come to hurt me, I am already in pain, and feel I have been beaten enough. 

Then there was a voice I recognised, my daughter!  Her footsteps on the stairs. She must not see me like this.

The mother and child bond is something you can't explain unless you're a mother.

I cry as I write this, partly for remembering the pain but mostly, because I want to reach out to the woman on the bed, covered in tears and let her know that it will be okay.  I am her, or should I say that was me, in May 2006.

It was the day of our youngest daughter’s school prom.  She looked beautiful, a young woman now.  That fact in itself was emotional.  We now had two daughters all grown up.  Another reminder that things were changing and our little family would never be the same again. I had seen her off at the venue with her friends and met other family members and friends all doing the same thing, taking photos, capturing memories. 

I was all smiles and pride, and then I had reluctantly handed her baby brother over to his father for an overnight stay. His first overnight stay.  By this point, it had been about five months since my soon to be ex (STBX) husband had walked out of our lives and everyone in the family was doing everything possible to make sure that he kept in touch with his wonderful son of 21 months.  I was only breastfeeding at night, but this was the first night I had ever been separated from my baby and he from me.

I can remember the whole issue of managing the child access situation being discussed with my councillor who asked me what I was scared of.  Did I think my son would be harmed by his father? No of course not.  But it was the bond you see. The mother and child bond.  I couldn’t find the words to explain it. I felt I was being selfish.  But you reading this – You know what that feels like.

Sometimes an event out of your control will change your life

My daughter did find me in a pool of tears that night.  There is no moral to this story, no right or wrong.  It is about feelings and nothing more.  My son does not remember that night as I do; he was too young.  He now has a great relationship with his Dad, and all of the family have come to be flexible to allow everyone to be there for each other.

If you are experiencing a recent separation, I just want you to be aware that from my experience, it takes time.  Much longer than you think or hope it will.  Much longer than you care to give yourself; and all of the feelings that go on in the process, and it is a process, are normal and they are just that, feelings. They too will pass, if you let them.  If you are well past this stage, then hold on tight, things are just about to get interesting.  

My friends have often commented that I should write a book. Maybe this is the beginning?  Your critique is valued as you do not know me or those to whom I refer and can comment with an open heart.  Through my post-divorce journey, I hope to blog about the things I am finding out about how to write a book, though, at this rate, it may take me a while!

on the quest for peace of mind

I read so many books and searched the internet to help me find the elusive peace of mind.  I want to be able to help my children financially, help with their deposits on their houses and cars, help with their wedding plans and expenses, create memories with them and their children on family holidays and have time to babysit and enjoy my Grand-children.  I want to enjoy my own freedom to travel and explore before any health issues prevent me from having fun.  

I may have discovered an inner strength but I am still on a journey, steadily creating new habits and breaking old beliefs that no longer serve me.  It’s sometimes slow and hard, but each time I falter on my path to getting my shit together, I remember that tearful night all those years ago and realise how far I’ve come.  How far we have all come as a family.  And I’m proud of us all for getting through what has to be one of the toughest challenges of our lives.

If you’ve read my About Me pages, you will know that I have never been in the right place at the right time – Thriving has been a battle hard-won.  Now, I am determined to learn how to make money online so I can be free of working for a boss in set hours, have spare time to get fit and spend time with my dogs and in the garden; have enough money to afford a car that is reliable and can take me anywhere; a holiday to France to go and see my daughter, who now lives out there, and just not have to worry about money for things in the house needing money to fix. 

This journey is sometimes lonely but I am slowly re-educating myself and have the blessing of my family to give this on-line blogging to make money a try. (Yes, even from the ex!).   I joined an education company called The Six Figure Mentors, to find out about marketing.  I gained so much value, and I have never before dealt with such a programme of mindset and mission. I am finding out things about myself that I did not know. If it were not for their 90-day video challenge, I would not have discovered the perspective that others see of me. Now I get it! I have so much more confidence, and this very programme is responsible for unleashing the writer in me, which I always knew was there but never fulfilled as I struggle to be vulnerable.

You may not be a writer but if you are interested in joining me and having a go at finding that peace of mind and putting some money in the bank to make up for the lack of retirement pension that we are likely to get, then take a look at the free video series to get an education to make money online. It’s not a scam I promise.  It’s completely free and you will be joining a  community of like-minded people so you will never feel alone, and I will be doing this with you!  It’s not all about blogging, though I bet you too have some great stories of your divorce; but there are opportunities to join become an Amazon Seller, Vlogger, Digital Marketer, Affiliate Marketer or a Trainer.

For the past five years, I have been making a living by putting my training to use as a social media marketer, working with small businesses.  I’ve been self-employed for so long now, I’m not sure I could go back to working for a boss!  If you like tinkering around on Facebook, then this could be an opportunity for you to freelance and get paid for being on Facebook!

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