Memoirs of a Phoenix: Diary Entry ~ January 2016

The Bucket List – One Night Stand Pt 1

I could feel my heart racing, and so could he. A strong and fast pulse was beating against his arm as it wrapped around my small figure.

“You’re as nervous as a sixteen-year-old girl.” He mocked.

Was I okay with this? Why was my heart racing?

As usual, my head tried to rationalise things in its self-preservation way: It’s the excitement of being cuddled by a man that’s not my relative after all these years. Maybe I was scared, after all, I had only known this guy one day, and to say he was bold and confident was an understatement. No, I didn’t think anything bad was going to happen. Maybe I didn’t trust myself to reveal the horny woman within or to disclose the feelings of my inner goddess. I felt cold and was shivering – the blood was going somewhere.

He adjusted his position so we were both lying on the sofa, his warm physique wrapped entirely around me. His strong grip was quelling my shivering, and his masculine frame was reassuring me that I was in safe hands. Hands that had begun to wander and were now quietly and slowly exploring. His left hand was now under my jumper and cupping my right breast. It felt good, right and wrong at the same moment. The confidence of his fingers brushing over the covered nipple. The expert reveal of it from the bra cup, followed by the gentle teasing of it between his fingers.

Blood was very definitely going to other places now – I could feel a twinge in my groin and wetness deep between my legs. There was, without a doubt, excitement. We lay intertwined for the best part of the movie, him working expertly around my nipples, first one and then the other. Part of me wanted him to explore further. My inner goddess would have leapt into action and full-on had it not have been for my mind. Was it the fact that he was home with his folks for Christmas, bored and just needing a night of casual sex? Or was it that I wasn’t that kind of girl?

Well, hang on a minute! The ‘One Night Stand’ item on the bucket list was still waiting to be ticked off, and time was running out. So no. It couldn’t be that I had gone all prudish, with standards, could it? So why did I not want to take this guy upstairs? What was the problem exactly?

I didn’t know much about him, having only just met in person the day before, spending two hours on a walk around town with tea and cake at the tea room. And then tonight, well, a quick hello cuddle followed by a curry and now a movie. So this is what they call ‘Netflix and chill.’

I continued to ponder. Maybe I didn’t fancy him – was that the problem? I was certainly becoming a fan of his touch, but he was young enough to be my son-in-law. He was sixteen years younger. I didn’t think age would matter but judging by the thoughts swimming around my brain, it mattered. It mattered to me right then and there at that moment. I had never behaved this way before – maybe I wasn’t going to be able to go through with a one night stand. Perhaps I really was a ‘good girl’.

We had switched positions several times, and I was sat astride him, fully clothed but with my bra unfastened and my breathing revealing my arousal as we kissed, and I began to fidget on his lap. He was lifting my jumper, intending to discard it to reveal the very aroused bundles underneath. It was decision time – Tick’ One Night Stand’ off of my list or send him home?

A little thought was lagging behind the others—part of a conversation that we had shared the day before. We had been discussing the orange paintwork, seventies wallpaper, and nylon carpet in my cottage that I had not yet got around to modernising. And I had told him that I was sleeping on a mattress on the floor. He had not seen the room but clearly had a picture of it in his mind as he joked about it being like a set for a 70’s porn movie! Something about that thought scared me.

And there it was. Decision made!
If only my head would be quiet and not overthink things.

Memoirs of a Phoenix: Diary Entry ~ January 2016

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A lot was going on in my neanderthal brain that was provoking the fight or flight response that night – I didn’t know him. Was I safe? Did I desire him? Would I be able to relax and orgasm? Would he? Was the age gap too much? I couldn’t expect him to accept such a messy bedroom! Was he expecting a porn scene bedroom? What was he expecting? I wasn’t a one night stand kind of girl. Was I desperate, was he desperate – for what? Sex? Intimacy? What would he think of my body? Yeah, that last thought genuinely did come last, and after the thought that I needed to tidy up my bedroom!

It is all very well writing something on a list but going through with it takes courage and a willingness to get outside your comfort zone. Having a one night stand seemed impossible.

That night, the practical part of my brain was making me see that I needed fewer, not more complications, and life had taught me that adding a man to one’s life was just asking for trouble. Everything was simpler without a man, and that included sex.

I had not had sex for over three years. Yes, I was enjoying the touch. Of course, I was. It is my love language. Had the fact that I had hidden away made me desperate for intimacy? Or perhaps just staying busy is a full-time job and helpful from keeping at bay those deep-seated emotions that threaten stability, that can turn a plain and simple life into anything but. This guy had come along and somehow found my boundaries undefended.

I write this for any woman who is worried about what happens when she gets her sexy back. I want you to know that the very last thought was about my body and what he would think of it. He was the one undressing it, and touching it and exploring it and enjoying it. My only regret was that perhaps I wasn’t fully present in the moment as my head was overthinking.

In case you are still left wondering. No, I did not have sex with him that night, but I did work on my thoughts, my boundaries and my bedroom, and yes, he did return. But the ‘One Night Stand’ box was checked and then unchecked again. We spent other nights together, and although we are no longer lovers, we are the very best of friends, and I will always be indebted to him for his ability to push me out of my comfort zone that night. It was the nudge I needed to get back in touch with my sexual desires.

Please leave a comment below to let me know how you get on. And if you would like more inspiration, join us in the Women After Divorce private Facebook Group where you can see more on this and other topics.  Or join us live for our FREE Thursday Thrive workshops – 7pm (UK time) on Zoom every week.

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